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EASY RECIPES FOR GREAT SEX
HOW TO ACHIEVE BLISS
How can we achieve bliss in our sexual relationships? Follow BLISS, or easy recipes for great sex – Baggage, Love, Intimacy, Sex, and Satisfaction.
Baggage
Check the baggage. Leave past relationship baggage behind. When two people meet and are attracted to each other, there is a rush of newness and sexual excitement and the need to tell the other person who you are. It’s an intense curiosity about each other that is fulfilled in long hours of conversation, which seem to dissolve into minutes.
All this is good. What is not good is if the conversation turns to grievances about the ex and how terrible he/she was and how you suffered and on and on. Now the baggage is out of the closet, and we’re back to rehashing the negative.
At this point, new friend, new potential lover, leave because it is obvious that your new squeeze, your new crush, hasn’t moved on and will be carrying heavy baggage. Your relationship will not be about the two of you, but about them. You’ll never get rid of the muck. Your new love will have nothing to give, but only take to fill up that great big wound that they are still bleeding from. There is a whole culture of damaged individuals looking for love. Disclosure of faults leads to intimacy, which leads to sex. But the intimacy is false and based on a superficial rapport.
My philosophy is come to the table clean–no baggage. Work it out, before you move on. If you’re not there yet, see a therapist or work on yourself until you are a whole person again and not an amputated soul. You are only ready for a new relationship when you can give, not take. This is what love is–giving. Save your new friend the anguish–no one wants to fall in love with the walking wounded, except those who are themselves wounded, which leads to disaster. If you don’t heal before you begin a new relationship, you’ll only be repeating your mistakes, and each new partner will be a surrogate for your previous dysfunctional relationship. You are wasting your time and his/hers.
Now, if you really aren’t looking for a healthy relationship, but only think you are, then you’re whining and blaming others, and it’s time to stop and see your part in what went wrong. Have a good hard look at yourself, and take responsibility for your role in the failed relationship. No one is perfect and neither are you.
Yes, for sure, there are great imbalances and injustices and maybe your case was one, but cut your losses; you’ll never get justice and life is unfair. Move on, grow up. We cannot control the behavior of others, only our own behavior.
If you want to meet a good loving man or woman, you first have to become that yourself. You must become the person you want to attract. If you are a mess, you’ll attract a mess. If you are a happy, positive person, at peace with who you are, you will attract that person. It’s your choice.
When we bring baggage to a relationship, we are needy and not whole. We have nothing to give other than horror stories and the relationship soon becomes all about the past and not the present. Don’t expect your new partner to solve all your problems. Love cannot grow in barren soil. Sure, at first the sex is fabulous, but as we get to know the damaged person, our perception changes and so does the great sex. We feel that we are being sucked dry and our own needs are not being met. Positive is replaced by negative.
Self-pity, insecurity, doubt, anger, resentment, jealousy, and revenge are all emotions that we need to have expunged from our heart and mind before we are capable of any new relationship that has any hope of survival. We need to be healthy in body, mind, and spirit before we can love, give again. Don’t burden a new partner with your healing process. Yet self-revelation can be healing, and bonding in a new relationship, but it is important to not transfer the old hurt and resentment and end up repeating the same dysfunctional pattern.
Love
“Whoever loved that loved not at first sight?” Christopher Marlowe
Chemistry is essential for great sex. Love can evolve quickly from chemistry to feeling and attachment. Breathless, crazy passion is instantaneous. Infatuation and the euphoria of attraction are caused by naturally occurring amphetamines, according to Michael Liebowitz, author of The Chemistry of Love, while the second stage of love, attachment, is mediated by endorphins, or natural morphine-like substances.
What makes a person attractive and how does this influence true love? Body symmetry and body shape are indicators of health and fertility. For example, women with a waist narrower than the hips, and men with broad shoulders are considered to be sexual attractors. The role of pheromones in human attraction is disputed, and no peer-reviewed study has shown pheromones to influence human behavior.
Do opposites attract or like attract? While opposites may attract in the beginning, researchers have found that over time, similar personalities are more important. Once the sexual buzz wears off, it is very important that couples share interests, attitudes, and values.
Healthy relationships are based on individual identity, self-esteem, honesty, trust, commitment, communication, compassion, love, and intimacy. Communication leads to intimacy and passion to emotional connection. Pleasure your partner first. Kiss. Say I love you.
What makes for great sex? Although strong sexual chemistry is essential, in a loving relationship, crazy, wild chemistry is not as important as a loving bond. In fact, romantic love is more powerful than sex in terms of its power over the human mind, concludes a study published in the Journal of Neurophysiology in July 2005.
"Romantic love is one of the most powerful of all human experiences," said study member Helen Fisher, an anthropologist at Rutgers University. Brain scans of 17 young men and women in love showed activation in parts of the brain that are rich in dopamine, a chemical that affects emotions. These brain areas are also linked to the motivation for rewards. The study also found several brain areas where the strength of neural activity changed with the length of the romance.
“Western couples,” states Sexologist Dr. Trina Read, “have been taught the whole point of having sex is to achieve orgasm . . . What is not emphasized in our culture is teaching couples about making a deeper emotional connection . . . When the deeper emotional connection is not there, people have emotionally shallow sexual experiences.” In a long term relationship, love is important for a good sex life. You can’t have great sex with someone you don’t like or respect.
How can we keep romantic love alive? After the initial flush of infatuation, which is followed by contented attachment, how do we prevent the demands of children, overwork, and finances from cutting deeply into the relationship? When love turns to resentment, anger, and frustration, sex can become infrequent or not at all. This indifference or restlessness can lead to adultery, separation, or divorce, according to Helen Fisher, who argues in her insightful book Anatomy of Love, that the cycle of infatuation, attachment, and restlessness are very old emotions. “The human craving for romance, our drive to make a sexual attachment, our restlessness during long relationships, our perennial optimism about our new sweetheart,” proposes Helen Fisher, “evolved with genesis, to drive our ancestors in and out of relationship some four million years ago.”
In order to not fall victim to this potent cycle, we have to nurture our relationship. Our partner must be a priority. Spend time with your partner. Value your partner.
Intimacy/Interest
Great sex promotes intimacy. Is your sex life killing you? Are you too tired, exhausted at the end of the day for sex? Or have you lost interest in your partner due to hormonal changes, emotional issues, or boredom? Do you take your partner for granted and have you both slipped into a comfortable routine? Maybe one partner wants sex more often than the other. Maybe it’s a difference in sex drive, or perhaps your partner is not finding your sex life fulfilling. Whatever the reason, talk openly and trust each other. Whether it is romance, intimacy, or great sex, we all have the choice to suggest, guide, and instruct in the process. If you have lost interest in your partner, intimacy will be missing in your sex life. To make the effort, you need the interest. If you don’t, the consequences can lead to dissatisfaction, infidelity, and even divorce. No one would argue that if you want a beautiful garden, you have to care for it.
Intimacy is essential for great sex, and communication is essential for intimacy. Share your thoughts – your fears, desires, and fantasies. Be open, vulnerable and take risks with your heart. Intimacy develops when partners are compatible, share common interests, and feel a natural affinity for each other.
Show your partner that you love them. Say “I love you” as often as you can. Make a date for sex. Set aside the time. This is especially important if you have kids. Consider a night away from home and the kids, if this is possible. You and your partner are important and so is your relationship. Don’t leave it to chance. Make an effort to keep your sex life exciting. Like everything else, time and thought and energy are necessary. Sex and love should not be your last priority because if they are your relationship will lack vitality and intimacy, which could lead to dissatisfaction and the end of the relationship or marriage.
How important is fidelity? Fidelity is an indicator of trust in a relationship and depends on the boundaries set. These boundaries can vary widely from casual flirting to open relationships. But trust, once broken, is like Humpty-Dumpty–difficult, if not impossible, to rebuild.
Sex/Stimulation
What turns a woman on to a man? According to Cindy Meston and David Buss in their new book Why Women Have Sex, women are turned on by a tall man with a V-shaped, muscular, lean torso, who has a square jaw, masculine face and deep voice. These body characteristics signify high testosterone and robust health.
And if testosterone indicators haven’t convinced you of the evolutionary role in sexual partner choice, the authors found that some women in their study had sex with men because they were impressed by their dancing! One study showed that women were more attracted to men who displayed larger and more sweeping movements, and they rated these men as more erotic. Apparently, open body positioning is judged as more potent and persuasive.
For some women, personality is as important as an attractive body, particularly, a sense of humor. Why a sense of humor? Apparently, women are attracted to men who make them laugh, and men are attracted to women who laugh at their jokes. Laughing makes us feel good. We are relaxed and happy. And humor is a sign of confidence and intelligence.
But what if you are you bored with your mate? Does your partner excite you the way they did when you first met and courted each other? Do you take your partner for granted and have you both slipped into a comfortable routine?
To see each other with fresh eyes, break your routine and try something new. Surprise your partner by a look, a loving touch, or a suggestion. Leave a sexy or romantic voice mail message. Tell your partner what turns you on. Tell your lover what you love about him/her and what you would like to do, and do it. Ask if what you are doing feels good, what feels best, what do you like? Share fantasies and take turns telling the story. Read an erotic story in bed and then try what you just read. Verbally replay your lovemaking the next day on the phone or in person.
Use your imagination, make eye contact, listen to your partner, let it flow, and don’t judge. Keep an open mind to role playing, sex toys, lingerie, and massage. Make your sex life an adventure. Take a risk. This requires trust and courage. Have fun. If you always wait for your partner to initiate sex, make the first move yourself. Not only will your partner be delighted, but you will feel a new sense of confidence and satisfaction.
According to the 2007/2008 Durex Wellbeing Global Survey, we all need to devote more time and energy to our sex lives. What do Americans think would improve their sex lives? Less stress (37%), more romance (35%), less inhibited, more excitement and variety, and better informed about giving and receiving pleasure. Only 42% of Canadians find their sex lives exciting compared to Americans (46%), UK (38%), with the global average of 50%.
More Canadians (75%) enjoy oral sex than Americans (69%), and also sensual massage (72% to 62%, respectively).
Achieving orgasm is important to sexual satisfaction, and not surprising, the survey recommends products such as vibrators and lubricants to enhance our sex lives.
How are we for bedroom talk? Americans enjoy sexual fantasies (42%) and erotica (41%) compared to Canadians (51%) and erotica (54%). And sex still thrives as we age. More than 52% of Americans 55 or older enjoy oral sex and 29% act out sexual fantasies, which is 4% above the global average and 7% below the global average, respectively.
Take your time. Enjoy whole body sensuality. Focusing on body parts only for orgasm is a sure recipe for a dissatisfying sex life and can exacerbate problems such as premature ejaculation. “The best sex emerges from whole body sensuality–leisurely, playful, creative,” says Castleman, a health journalist who previously answered sex questions for the Playboy Advisor. “Women get more turned on and enjoy sex more, while men have fewer sexual problems and feel more confident about themselves in bed.”
Satisfaction
What is the recipe for a satisfying and fulfilling sex life? How can you pleasure your partner?
Be passionate and know what you like. Be warm and loving and eager to please your partner. Communicate on an intimate level. Share ideas and feelings. Be compassionate. Ask questions. Have an open mind and positive outlook. Be adventurous. Don’t judge. Be playful. Have fun. Use your imagination and explore your intimate fantasies. Let things flow. Don’t keep score. Be open to new experiences. Be romantic, confident, and curious.
Kiss, hug, caress, and massage your lover. Take time to enjoy your partner. Have self-respect, love, and awareness for yourself and your partner. Be well-balanced. This is important to maintaining a healthy, fulfilling relationship.
Tantric sex explores spiritual union. The French describe orgasm as “la petite mort.” In that orgiastic moment, we are released from our body and become spirit, or consciousness without body. For some this is a path to the divine, or God. For others, a meditation, a letting go into bliss.
Inevitably, love cools when idealized desire and reality conflict. Love creates an ideal mate, but no one can live up to an ideal. The resulting disappointment, or falling out of love/desire, is proportional to the difference between the projected or fantasized love object and the reality of the true nature or self of the beloved.
The person one fantasizes about has to fulfill some need or expectation at that moment, in other words, they complete or fulfill one’s life at that time. This is why the dream person in the past is not necessarily the dream person in the present since circumstances, people, and need change. However, some fortunate lovers find a good match and stay in love for life.
Bibliography
Aron, A., H. E. Fisher, L. L. Brown et al. 2005. Reward, motivation and emotion systems associated with early-stage intense romantic love. Journal of Neurophysiology July.
Castleman, M., Great Sex: A Man's Guide to the Secret Principles of Total-Body Sex. New York. Rodale Press, 2004.
Fisher, H. E. Anatomy of Love. New York, London: W.W. Norton and Company, 1992.
Liebowitz, M.R. The Chemistry of Love. Boston: Little, Brown, 1983.
Meston, C. M., and D. M. Buss. Why Women Have Sex. London: The Bodley Head, 2009.
Read, T. 2006. Sexual Anorexia
http://www.trina-read.com/articles
Copyright © 2009 by Jeanne Ainslie |
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